My husband and I met in 2005, a lifetime ago, when we were only 22. One of the first things I learned about him was that he had been playing ice hockey since he was in Kindergarten. Our school had a recreation hockey team, and he obviously joined. The team would regularly have games on Thursday or Friday nights. For three years, I sat in the stands watching him play, and then we’d caravan to a bar to meet friends.
Then we graduated, got real jobs, and had to start “adulting,” as they say. As our relationship progressed, and as circumstances changed (from dating, to engagement, to marriage, to home ownership, to children), my husband’s hockey habit was one of our lives’ constants.
After we had kids, my entire life changed. Time for myself became mostly non-existent. My husband’s life, at least in terms of day-to-day scheduling, remained mostly the same. As a result, hockey became a regular source of resentment and conflict.
My husband has two, sometimes three, hockey games per week. If his teams do well during “playoff” season, he might have four or five games during that particular week. These games are all at night. After I have been alone with two children for 12 hours, he comes home (if at all) for mere minutes, changes his clothes, grabs his bag, and leaves. I generally won’t see him until the next morning.
Here are the main reasons for our butting heads:
- I can’t quite understand why he has to play so often. Why is one night per week not enough? His response is always that hockey is his only source of exercise, which he needs because he sits at a desk ten hours a day. Okay, fair. We all need exercise. But when do I exercise if you’re never home and I always have a child on my hip?
- Why does he have to stay out and socialize each time? Apparently it is standard fare for everyone to stay for a chat and a beer after every single game. As an introvert, I cannot understand this (I’d rather be home watching Netflix). But, my husband is an extrovert and claims to “need” this time or else he feels isolated. When I ask him how he would feel if I were to go out with my friends three times per week to sip wine, he says, quite honestly and literally, that he would be happy for me.
- Who is helping me at nighttime after I’ve taken care of everything all day? Most of his games are after our kids are asleep, so he is never absent from family time. Because I actually like being alone, he thinks he is gifting me extra quiet time. Yes, I like that part (I won’t deny that). But what I don’t like is not having an extra set of hands to help me around the house on those nights. He often tells me to leave things until the morning for him to take care of. But, let’s be honest – will I really leave a sink full of dirty dishes and a kitchen floor covered in food? So I do everything myself, even though he says I don’t have to.
- Most importantly, what about us? Despite my love for alone time, sometimes I do get lonely. And sometimes I do feel like my husband chooses his hobby over me. Are his random hockey acquaintances really better to be around than me? He often reminds me to tell him what I need – if I want him to stay home, then all I have to do is ask, and he will. But, I suppose like many women, I don’t want to ask. I want him to want to come home to me as soon as possible, because I’m fun to be around, right? Shouldn’t he have to sacrifice his social life, at least in part, because he chose to spend his life with me?
These conversations have gone around and around (and around…) for years.
I hesitated to even write this post, fearing my husband would feel attacked and that I would be painting a false picture of him. Husband, I love you. You are wonderful. In the grand scheme of life, this is not an insurmountable hurdle. However, I do know that many people struggle with this same issue. Perhaps your partner plays golf, or competes in triathlons, or maybe he or she has to have drinks with colleagues too often, leaving you home alone (again).
So, for fairness, and in the spirit of hearing both sides of an argument, I have let him read this post and then asked him to write, in his own words, why hockey is important to him. I believe that the success in our marriage is mostly attributable to the fact that we are open and honest with each other and do not hesitate to have hard conversations. I felt it was only fair to let him weigh in on this issue.
Hilary asked me to explain why hockey, and more so socializing after hockey, is important to me.
I have been on skates since I was five or six. The longest I have gone without skating since I began is the one year I lived in Manhattan. Since my early childhood, my closest friends were my hockey teammates. I played other sports and did other activities, but none of those things involved the same time and commitment as hockey, so hockey families, both parents and kids, were close knit.
This closeness has remained. As a 27-year-old, employed, engaged, and knowing no one in town, I was eager to resume playing hockey upon moving to Connecticut 7 years ago. I didn’t anticipate also meeting new friends. In fact, until I started writing this as Hilary requested, I had not made the connection between the ice, the locker room, (now a cold beer, too), and my best friends throughout my life.
I have always been a social person, and now as a husband and father of two, working mostly in an office, life doesn’t afford much time for frivolity. Hockey, my friends, a light beer and some wings are my frivolity. I play my favorite sport, get exercise and the company of friends I truly enjoy all in one spot.
The takeaway:
I knew who my husband was when I met him. His personality has not changed one bit. He has, however, transitioned amazingly into his role as a husband and father. We all should be well-rounded people, both for our own mental health and to set an example for our children. I wouldn’t be myself without my hobbies, so why should my husband live without his? But, yes, I am at times bitter and frustrated.
In the end, no one is right, and no one is wrong. He has his opinions, and I have mine. We are open about these opinions, express them respectfully (most of the time), and try to come to a compromise. We can’t always have our way. I say this to my children daily. We can agree to disagree, as long as we respect each other’s feelings and each sacrifice something on behalf of the other. He is learning. I am learning. And that’s marriage.
Bless you both for being so transparent. I totally see both sides of the equation. As a new mom, our daughter is a year old. We have a similar but different struggle. My husband is military and works with training students. His job can literally take on multiple programs each week, in addition to his normal responcibilities and need to excercise for military PT standards. He can be awake at 4:00am and not return until 8-9 two to three nights a week. He loves his job and has a calling for it but sometime I feel his cadets take priority over us.
I don’t have a perfect solution, but I can attest to the fact that weekly is a balancing act. I give as much grace as I can muster on the really tough weeks and in return I communicate to him when I’m/we are feeling overlooked. In those times, I see him soften and lead with a more service oriented heart when he’s home. Those acts often fill me up enough to strike a new balance.
I think like with your husband, it’s so hard to balance such different personalities and schedules. We practice love languages in our home so our effforts are effective and we often ask each other how “full our love tank is?” So we can guage how much extra effort is needed.
I’m sure our system could use some tweaking too, just wanted you to know you’re not alone!
Hi, Jill! Apologies for the long response time (kids!). First, thank you to your husband for his service, and thank you to you for your supporting him. We are definitely working on how with speak with each other – finding kind ways to express how we feel so the other doesn’t shut off has been a really good change. Marriage, especially with kids, is a lot of work, which I think is something many of us don’t realize before we get to this point. Congrats on your new family!
I’ve been married 26 years & the quote “The good is the enemy of the best” ran through my mind as I read your story. Hockey, & the exercise & socialization that you get from it, is a “good” thing (I’ll overlook the high incidence of head injury & other injury). It has been a consistent opportunity to get those needs met throughout your life. I get it. Please take what Im about say with the love that is intended. You’re not a child anymore. You’re a grown man with a wife & kids now. Things are different. The time you’re not at work is precious now, it is your most valuable asset. How you choose to spend it will forever change the lives of your wife & kids. What are your goals for your marriage? Your family? Your relationship with your kids? Awesome marriages & strong families require a large quantity of quality time.
It takes a good deal of effort to find activities the entire family can enjoy that meet your needs, but let me assure you it is the best! Hockey friends will come & go but your family is forever. Think higher! With some effort, can get your needs for exercise & socialization met all while creating memories & investing in your family. Try some new activities together as a family & have fun! Blessings to you & your young family!
Thanks for the comment! You’ve written the words my brain is thinking. His hearing words from people other than me (the nag, so to speak) most definitely are heard more clearly. I am hoping that as our kids get older, we will be able to engage them in different activities that are fun for each of us (since there isn’t much we can do yet with a 4.5 and 2.5 year old). Thank you for the well wishes!
I think your husband is selfish. It seems he is trying to squeeze in his needs and somehow make it work with his responsibilities at home….something has got to give. You’re not asking for him to completely give up hockey just to minimize the activity. The social part made me cringe…drinks after while he has a wife and kids? I don’t understand how a committed man can do this, it’s excessive for a husband/father. He argues he needs it for health and social life, but he can do that with you guys. He can Lead the family into fun activities together and socialize with his wife after kids go to bed. A family requires sacrifice plain and simple. And I don’t know him but I would bet money deep down he knows it but is trying to see how far he can juggle the situation before you blow up.
3 nights a week is too much time? Playoffs (4-5 nights a week, don’t happen too often I assume). That means he’s available, generally speaking, 4 nights a week. Are you making the most of that time? What about weekends? I assume he doesn’t work 7 days a week. It sounds like there may be more available time for family time than you’re making it out to be. I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill as many wives do when it comes to their husbands alone time or guy time. It sounds like it’s more about your personal insecurities than about his actual time spent away from home. 3 nights a week is not that much, especially if he’s attentive and available the other 4 nights and on his days off from work. Men don’t marry thinking they will spend all their free time with their wives and children. Generally speaking, men marry a woman they love (or not even, so long as they get along well enough) because he hopes to fit her into his life while maintaining his sense of identity and independence. Women generally are less concerned with independence and more likely to abandon themselves as they become too dependent on the marriage relationship to meet their, often unrealistic, expectations. If you push him to give up something that is part of his very identity, something that he has loved and cherished for years longer than you’ve been around, and you’ll end up with an emotionally unavailable husband and a very lonely marriage relationship. Accept and embrace his interests, you could go watch his games occasionally, get a babysitter if the games are too late for the kids bedtimes, and go out to dinner afterwards just you and him. Do that once a week and now you’ve built in some extra together time and as the kids get older they can come and watch daddy play a sport that he loves. Be thankful that you’ve got a man who has a healthy hobby that only takes 3 evenings a week, it could be much much worse. Your desire for perfection (your perspective on what’s perfect) will destroy the good you have. Also, take him up on his offer to clean up dishes in the AM. That’s a win for you mom! Many guys wouldn’t even think to offer that!
You’ve got it good right now. Don’t fuck it up.
Todd – this situation only “works” because the hobbies are one sided. If she had hobbies that took up as much time someone would have to concede and most likely it would be her. The husband, the majority of time in the relationship, gets to have hobbies because the women do most of what needs to get done; meal planning, food shopping, bill paying, child care etc… So he is the one that has it good right now.
I’ve been married for over 20 years to someone who has had numerous hobbies, so I completely get it. As is with most marriages responsibility is never 50/50 and someone always takes on more which allows the other free time to do more. This is where resentment sets in ( speaking from experience).
As I write this my husband has been out since 6am and it’s now 2pm, he has a wildlife photography passion . When he gets home there are hours of post photography work. So that’s more time spent with the hobby. I love to see how much his talent has grown and how excited he gets when he spots something rare. But… While he was out I did 2 loads of laundry, cleaned bathrooms, meal planned for the week and I’m about ready to go food shopping. With full time work, weekends are the only time for time consuming chores. So which person in the marriage has it good exactly?
I personally disagree with your husband’s attitude towards this situation. The only thing that stands out to me is how unfair this is for you. I am sorry, but however much your husbands ‘needs’ the hockey, he entered into a commitment (marriage) and he has to respect it. I do not care about his long story with hockey… a marriage and family have needs too and he needs to balance that too. extremely selfish of him.