I have two boys. Two VERY physical boys. They wrestle with each other but also hug each other. They fight with lightsabers, tickle, and jump on each other with pillows. They are also taught boundaries. Whenever someone cries or says, “no thank you,” “please stop,” or “that hurts,” – they know the line has been crossed and they back off. We are teaching our sometimes impulsive, physical boys to not use their bodies “against” anyone else. So, what happens when they see someone else doing this?
Here’s our story. My family and I were on vacation and headed to a local brunch spot. After a short wait, a cheerful and colorful waitress showed us to a table in the middle of a large dining room. Almost immediately upon sitting down, my husband’s and five year old son’s demeanor changed. They had spotted, in the corner of the restaurant, a man in his mid-20s being physically abusive to a young girl, not older than three. It was not discipline in my eyes. He was grabbing her by the hair and banging her face into the wooden table. She was crying and screaming in pain. My own son was visibly confused, uncertain and scared. My husband was intentionally avoiding looking in that direction. After a couple of minutes of listening and a few quick glances, I needed to do something. But, what?
As a teacher (and mandated state reporter ), I’ve had countless hours of training about this type of thing… but right then, I felt like a deer in headlights. My skin felt hot and I couldn’t think straight. I truly thought I was on a hidden camera show. Then, our waitress came over to take our order. I calmly looked at her and said, “I’m sorry, but I think a manager needs to be notified about what’s happening in the corner over there.” She quickly looked over and replied, “That’s my daughter and her dad.” Oh no.
I apologized. (Why was I apologizing?) She swiftly added, “I’ll tell him to take her into the bathroom or take her home to do that.” NO! NO! NO! She went on, “Everyone has their own way of dealing with stress, right?” Sure, but this is still not okay.
We ate our brunch and the waitress brought her daughter over to us to chat. The entire hour was virtually a blur. The man and his daughter left before us and I was truthfully terrified about what would happen to her, and her mother, later. So, I made a very scary phone call.
My five-year-old was virtually silent in the car ride home so I knew that we had to talk about what he had seen and why I had chosen to say something. He acknowledged that it was scary, and he felt ‘sad’ for the little girl because she ‘didn’t really do anything wrong.’ He wanted to help her and I assured him that the people I called would help her.
As our (wise-beyond-his-years) school safety coordinator said, “The police know what to do about this stuff. They deal with it every single day.” According to childwelfare.org, a report must be made when someone, “Suspects or has reason to believe that a child has been abused or neglected.” No proof needed. I made the decision to rely on someone else’s judgment.
It must be difficult for a preschooler to distinguish between ‘abuse’ and when nurses hold him down to perform a strep test or I bear hug his brother in order to cut toenails. But, at the ripe old age of five I think he can understand the difference between “hugging with the soft parts of my body” to prevent injury and “hurting with hard body parts.”
Our school psychologist (with years of work with a child abuse prevention organization) suggested this list of resource books relating to child abuse. I’ve ordered a few like, “I Can Play it Safe” and “A Terrible Thing Happened” that I think are age and topic-appropriate for discussion with my oldest.
I don’t know what happened to that little girl in the days since we stumbled upon her in that restaurant, but I hope, for everyone’s sake, that they are getting the help they need. Whatever that might be. It’s not up for me to judge.
Have you ever witnessed a situation that left you feeling this way?
