Sometimes I don’t like talking about it. But let’s talk about it. Let’s talk about women and our careers, and I’ll start with me.
I got married young. I loved him. I believed he loved me too. It was supposed to be a ‘happily ever after,’ but it wasn’t. Someway, somehow, somewhere along the way, it took a turn. Without getting into the details, let’s just say drugs, money, sex, infidelity, and attention got in the way, oh and of course kids.
Trying to have a personal life and a career has its challenges. Often times in our relationship one person assumes the roll of taking care of the family, while the other person is potentially or probably putting their goals and career on hold. Not very often do both partners get to thrive in their careers together, and have kids, and be happy with each other.
I was passionate about my career. I’m a woman; the US soldier. I carried three babies and gave birth to three beautiful kids. I did it all while maintaining a career and taking care of the children. Not to mention, trying to meet the needs of my partner. For him (my partner) he felt like he was putting his own career on the back burner. But this isn’t about him.
This is more about how the fairytale wasn’t really a fairytale at all. I was able to continue with my career, and for the 13 years that we were together, I thrived. I got promoted fast. I was able to work longer hours. I was able to focus and be fully invested in my career. I was able to travel more and go to the different professional development schools. I was able to go on different exciting assignments.
Once we were no longer together, things changed. He moved thousands of miles away across the ocean and left me to figure things out. He left me with two kids and a dog, in a new assignment where I knew no one. I went from thriving to surviving. We went from doing life together raising kids, to me now being on my own. Those professional development schools that I was once able to attend, now are not so possible anymore. Who’s going to watch the kids?
Working late is not something I can do anymore. I have to pick up my kids from school and/or their after school programs. If one of the kids gets sick and I have to miss a day of work, my job begins to worry how many days off will I need. If I need to go to the doctor, I can’t just go. I have to think about the perfect time to go. The perfect time is usually when the kids are at school.
There is no time in my schedule for me to be sick. I have three humans that need me to be there for them everyday. Just me.
Their dad didn’t even fight for them, he didn’t even want joint custody. He didn’t even insist on seeing the kids more often. After 13 years of doing life together, he was fine being alone without me and without the humans that we created together.
I am different now. At work I feel more vulnerable because when things start to happen late in the day, my mind is on the fact that I have to pick up the kids, and I’m not going to be able to stick around. I tried to avoid it. I tried to hire some help and pay for someone to pick up my kids. I tried to find a way. I went through some bad help. I felt guilty exposing my kids to people who were not what they seemed to be. I interviewed different people before I made the decision but they ended up not doing what they said they would.
I’m fine now. I had professional goals. I wanted to achieve a certain rank. I wanted to take an assignment overseas in Germany. Those goals are now just a fantasy. As a single parent it’s not going to happen, and that’s ok with me. There is no way I am willing to sacrifice the safety and well being of my kids in pursuit of rank or an assignment.
All I want now is to be there for my babies. I want to be there every night to have dinner with them. I want to hear how their day was. I want to help them with their homework. I want to take them to practice and pick them up. I want to be there when my baby girl finally nails her back handspring on the floor. I want to be at every game they have. I want to give them a hug and kiss every day and tell them I love them. Being there for my kids means the most to me. I don’t see that changing anytime soon.
I’m tired of feeling guilty about not wanting to move up in my career. Moving up in my career means less time with my little humans, and to me it’s just not worth it.
