The Tooth Collector

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loose tooth

When you tell people you’re going to have a baby, you are met with the usual responses, “Amazing!” “Congratulations!” “Being a parent is the most amazing thing,” etc.

But I feel like only your real friends will tell you the down and dirty truth. You’re going to catch puke in your hands. You’re going to get peed on. They’re going to poop in the tub. These things will happen. They happened to me, and they’ll happen to you (if they haven’t already). But strangely, of all the disgusting things people will tell you, no one mentioned what happens when your kid loses a tooth.

Sure, we’ve all discussed the mythology of the tooth fairy, and people tell you to register for the little personalized pillow to store said tooth in, but no one REALLY talks about how disgusting it is when the teeth actually fall out, and how exhausting it is to keep up this tooth fairy charade.

My daughter lost her first tooth when she was 5 years old. We were so excited! It was such a novelty. As soon as we got her to bed that night, we got to work, crafting an adorable note from the “tooth fairy” and finding the perfect velvet satchel for the gold coins to be delivered in. And the next morning, when my daughter woke up and ran into our room to show us her new gold coins and letter, we were as excited as she was.

The excitement around visits from the tooth fairy remained for another tooth or two. But then, it was that terrible feeling of finally climbing into bed after a long day, only to be reminded that the damn tooth fairy had to come again! And so we had to dig around the house, trying to find a new little bag, and new little coins, and we definitely gave up on the custom note by tooth #3. And to now come to the realization that this “fairy” needs to show up after every single tooth!? Seems like a full-time job, and I already have one.

Let’s circle back on the level of gross that comes with teeth falling out. I believe it was tooth #4 that fell out over a spaghetti lunch at an Italian restaurant. I won’t go overboard with my description but let’s just say there was SO MUCH RED! Not to mention the days leading up to a tooth falling out. There is so much wiggling, playing with it, and a list of other gross things these kids do with their “almost falling out” teeth. 

Then it finally falls out, and we have to go back to the same routine; the baggie, the pillow, the running to find a cute satchel, and then collecting the tooth in the middle of the night (and by middle, I mean when we go up to bed, so like 11 p.m., but still!). And then like a criminal, you steal the tooth and put it in your underwear drawer, which seemed like a good plan, except now we’re 6 teeth down and I feel like some strange bone collector, just baggies of loose teeth in my drawer.

When you sign up for parenthood, you know you’re getting the whole package, the good, the bad, and the disgusting, but these loose teeth have really put me over the edge, and my younger daughter hasn’t even started to lose her teeth yet! 

So readers, I ask you, am I the only one completely ruined by the loose tooth part of parenthood? And what do you do with all these teeth? 

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