The Weight of Need

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weight of needI hear it from moms all day long…I NEED to pick up my daughter, clean my house, get organized, or help at my son’s school. When I was younger, my mother used to say that I didn’t actually need new pants. I wanted them. 

I use the word “need” with such frequency that I have blurred the lines between what I absolutely have to do and the things I want to do.

It’s not just me. I hear women around me making the very same error. All day long, we are lamenting over our enormous to-do lists and our ever-growing lists of responsibilities. Ladies, let’s start paying attention to our words.

Perception is Reality

I will be the first to admit that I am my own worst critic. I am constantly beating myself up for not giving enough time or energy to someone that needed it.

In reality, there are things we need to do, and there are things that we think we need to do.

For many moms, that is the biggest problem. If we do not distinguish between these two lists, we are setting ourselves up for failure. 

Our children require food, water, and love from us. They need us to be present in their lives by supporting them, comforting them, and celebrating with them. When we believe that things like Pinterest-worthy cupcakes need to be done, we find ourselves in dangerous territory where everything is necessary, and everything is a top priority. How can we possibly expect to function under that assumption?

Guilt Reigns Supreme

Our perception of what we need to do isn’t just as simple as distinguishing between true needs and other wants and desires. It’s also about the burden of guilt. We all put on that superwoman cape in the morning to start our day. We have to help out at the PTA event because we feel bad. After all, who else will do it? It’s important for us to bake all the cookies because the bake sale needs to be successful. We have to enroll our children in ALL the classes because we don’t want to damage them for life. 

While we run around fueled by caffeine and sheer terror, our lists continue to grow. Our guilt becomes the driving force behind these endless lists of tasks to check off. We never seem to be doing enough for our schools, our families, our friends, or the organizations to which we belong. We need to do it all because we feel guilty saying no without a valid excuse. It’s never okay to simply say no.

Prioritizing Becomes Impossible

If we continue to believe that our needs and desires are the same, it becomes impossible to prioritize. We become unable to distinguish what must be done immediately and what doesn’t have to be done at all. Without some list of priorities, our brain will either burnout or shut down. Either way, our ever-important lists will become nothing more than a bunch of unaccomplished tasks.

We cannot be needed for everything, all the time, by everyone. The weight is too much for anyone to bear. We have to get rid of the guilt, self-judgment, and exhaustion of our own beliefs. Let’s start by changing the language.

If that is the first step in making us more aware of the weight we are carrying, then let’s do it. Let’s say we would like to help at school. Let’s say we would like to organize that closet in the hallway. Most importantly, let’s say we need to unburden ourselves and let that be the first item on our to-do list.

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