I never understood why certain life experiences were conveyed as ‘feeling like the holidays.’ Have you ever heard someone describe something ‘good’ by saying that ‘it felt like Christmas morning?’ But now, being a mom, I have to admit—I finally get it. Because motherhood does remind me a lot of a holiday! Only, to me, it doesn’t quite equate to the majesty that is known as Christmas morning.
Motherhood, to me, equates to something much scarier. It honestly feels more like — well — I hate to say it: Halloween!
Read below, to find out 5 reasons why early motherhood feels like Halloween:
1. Watch Out: There’s an Alien in your Belly
Ever watch one of those horror flicks about an alien/parasite that lives in a human host? Well now that you’re a mom, don’t you just think to yourself when you see that: Well, yeah—um—that’s just pregnancy?
The feeling of being pregnant for the first time is really no different from what I imagine having a parasitic or alien invader living in your body would entail. Hungry? Oh wait. That’s not you, that’s the parasite inside of you, requesting more food from it’s host. Feeling stirrings inside? That’s not butterflies. That movement is literally coming from a sentient being inside you. Sound creepy? I have to admit: At first: It is. Pregnancy is a lot to get used to.
2. Poof: You’ve turned to Swine
If you’re like me, then you probably lived the first 30-or-so years of your life identifying primarily as a member of the human species — only to become thoroughly confused and surprised the moment you start producing milk. I know that we all know conceptually that breastfeeding happens, and that it’s normal, natural, and even beautiful. But until you experience being attached to a pump for the first time, and watching milk squirt out of your ‘utters’ — you can never fully relate to other mammals in such a primal way. It’s a freakish feeling, to suddenly have to think of how much you have in common with a regular dairy cow.
3. Ouch: Is that a Vampire on Your Bossom?
You know what sucks? I mean, literally — really sucks — like an actual vampire? An infant with an improper latch on the breast. Think I’m being dramatic? Unfortunately, I’m not. Babies may as well all come from Transylvania, as far as I’m concerned, because they are actually capable of sucking your blood. What I mean to say here, is: Nipple damage caused by an improper latch is real. And it’s scary. The trick to avoiding your baby’s ‘vampire bite’ is to catch breastfeeding pain early (because it shouldn’t hurt) and then work with a lactation consultant if it does. Don’t let your nipples get torn apart from that hungry little vampire, and it’s seemingly insatiable thirst. Yikes.
4. Beware: Of Becoming a Zombie
Have the countless sleepless nights of early motherhood rendered you so useless that you are barely clinging to life? If yes, you may have reached a truly alarming place. And you might feel like an actual Zombie. The frightening thing is: Feeling exhaustion, fatigue, and depletion are all too common for new moms.
The trick is to recognize when it’s gone too far. For example — If you are feeling ‘wired but tired’ almost all of the time, or you can’t fall asleep well or easily (even when you’re dog tired and finally have a brief chance), then you may be showing signs of clinical adrenal burnout. If this is you, then not to worry: A couple of adjustments to your routine and diet, as recommended in Better Postpartum can get you back on track. But don’t let yourself stay a zombie for long. All Halloween puns aside: It’s dangerous to transition over to the side of the walking dead, without returning quickly to the land of the living.
5. Look at that Little Pumpkin!
You have to admit — despite everything mildly-to-moderately fear-inducing I’ve said above —babies are super cute! Aren’t they? They are just such sweet, edible little pumpkins! (Mmm!) But isn’t it just remarkable how quickly they can carve their sweet little faces into a horrifying, scream-face? Almost like something you’d see on a scary jack-o-lantern? As a mom, you just know: All it takes is a twitch, a scream, and a cry — and boo! That once sweet little pumpkin of yours is now sufficiently freaking you out! Sometimes, its so maddening, it’ll make you want to run for the hills.
So Happy Halloween to all the mamas out there who know what I’m talking about! It can be a scary, intense ride. But you know what they say… It’s so worth it.
Natalie Telyatnikov is the Founder of @BetterPostpartum. Her mission is simple: make moms’ lives after birth better, by making postpartum education as mainstream as childbirth education. If you are pregnant or postpartum, visit BetterPostpartum.com
