On the last day of 2019, social media was riddled with people comparing where and who they were a decade ago versus today. Others were giving inspirational quotes and reviewing their resolutions. For me…
On the last day of the decade, I was filled with anxiety and sadness – and I sulked.
I sulked because another year has gone by without my parents, and that makes me sad and angry.
I sulked because I’m not sure how much longer I can squeeze our family into our square footage without having a meltdown.
I sulked because my daughter openly asks to live in another school district to be with her preschool friends in kindergarten next year.
I sulked because my husband doesn’t understand how I feel about the size of our house or what district we’re in.
I sulked because no matter what Santa brought my children, no matter what exciting things we go out and do for them…they still fight, whine, and cry through a majority of our days.
I sulked because I feel my children’s behavior, how they act, what they say, what they have learned is a direct reflection of me.
I sulked because all I want to do is be a good mom, and I fear I’m messing us all up.
I sulked because I prayed for the life I have – and now that I have it, I’m not always grateful for it.
I sulked because we didn’t have any New Year’s plans.
On the last day of the decade, I let my children stay up late to celebrate the New Year. I fed them snacks for dinner, let them have party horns to blow… and miraculously, they settled down, snuggled in my room, and almost made it to midnight.
But now it is the beginning of a new decade.
I woke up to 2020 with my five-year-old by my side, my twins on mattresses on the floor, and a weight lifted off my chest. I decided I wasn’t going to sulk. Instead, I woke up with gratitude. I survived another year, I tried my best, and I have a roof over my head and people who love me fiercely under it.
I rushed everyone out of the house for a New Year’s walk, I let them prune up in a bath, I let them watch movies and play with toys. I packed away the Christmas clutter. I wrote this post.
I feel better. Anxiety often internally fights my motivation. Three young children often fight my patience. There are things I cannot change, and I accept that. I can be kinder and more present and fun for my children. I can practice the thankfulness that I preach. I can continue to do my best to shape the life I have into one that I love. When December 31, 2020 rolls around, there will be no sulking.
I hope this finds someone who is also sulking. I hope it acts as a reminder that there is a promise with each new day, week, month, year, and decade. I hope it reminds them that it’s ok to sulk but essential to move on as well.
