I’ve been reading a lot about the “mental load” of motherhood lately. I agree that it can be one of the hardest parts of being a mother – trying to hold all those details, schedules, preferences, and everyday tasks together so that the days don’t fall apart. Much has been said about sharing responsibilities, especially with our husbands, to model egalitarian co-parenting for our children. While I also agree this is important, I also think we need to figure out how to lessen this “mental load” for everyone.
Recently, I read a viral post on Today.com titled “I Am The Keeper.” There was so much truth to the post about the tiring and important work of being the keeper of all the family’s silent needs. But as I read, I wondered…do we really need to keep all these things? Do we really need to be the keepers of worry, or every ritual and memory, of every preference for our children? Yes, it’s important to make our children feel special, noticed, and loved. It’s our job to make their worlds as good, and happy and safe as we can. But is it our job to keep their worlds perfect? Aren’t we putting way too much pressure on ourselves – and by extension our partners with whom we are asking to share the load?
For instance, yes we should be worried about keeping food allergies away from our children. But do we need to worry about food aversions and preferences all the time? In a family with four children, if I did that for everyone all the time, my whole day would consist of shopping and preparing four different things for every meal. We need to remember that part of our job as parents is to teach our children to be resilient and flexible. We cannot keep their world perfect, nor should we expect other caretakers to do the same. We are setting them, and our children up, for continual frustration and disappointment.
So, I would say to all the “keepers” – who undoubtedly have a very important and tiring job – let’s keep some things off our plates. Let’s keep things simple. Let’s allow for flexibility and change.
Do we have to keep every ritual every year of pumpkin patches and Easter Egg hunts and Santa sightings? Do we have to be ahead of our kids fending off their food aversions and providing their preferences? Can we let some things go, and let our children learn to do the same?
And while we’re at it, let’s definitely work together to keep only the real things on our plates. Let’s do our best to let go of worry and “what if’s.” Let’s not burden ourselves worrying about potential disappointments or disasters, but let’s try to enjoy the given moment. It’s hard to do for sure, but important for our own mental health and by extension our family’s. If we are stressed and worried, it affects everyone.
It’s hard enough to keep schedules, bill payments, and appointments or to keep the peace between siblings, to navigate bad moods and fears, and to remind our children of good and responsible behavior. Let’s try to keep some things off our plates.
