As I type this blog, I’ve officially survived 8 weeks of being a mother to three. And despite some shed tears, 3 a.m. fights, and a little sleep deprivation, life is pretty sweet these days.
My second go at this whole motherhood thing has been drastically different. Let me tell you why…
My little guy came screaming into this world four long July days past my due date. I’ll spare you the details, but it was not a pleasant c-section. Besides the unpleasant nature of the birth and rough recovery, I sat in that hospital room scared. Worried as to how I was going to handle it. Terrified that I would go back to the isolated and anxiety ridden state that I had found myself in three and a half years ago after the birth of my twins.
This entire pregnancy I tried to convince myself that this time would be different. I had been a parent already for 3 plus years. It was only one newborn this time. I had the resources to recognize the signs of postpartum depression and anxiety. Most importantly, I would get the help if I needed it. But besides this self-assurance, I remained terrified. Postpartum depression and anxiety is scary, isolating, and for me was completely uncontrollable.
Fortunately, I can say that this postpartum experience has been an entirely different experience. Sure, at times I’ve been overwhelmed and irritable but nowhere close to the feelings I had last time. And yes, there are many factors which have played into this: my second go-around, one baby instead of two, and a large newborn as opposed to two small premature ones.
However, above all else there has been one overarching reason why this postpartum experience has been better: my husband’s extended paid paternity leave.
When my twins were born in March of 2016, my husband’s company did not have a paternity leave policy. He spent four days with me in the hospital, a week at home, and then he was back to work. I found myself alone 12 hours a day in a very small NYC apartment, with two tiny, colicky babies. I was completely overwhelmed and, as you read above, I suffered.
By the time I became pregnant a second time, his company had developed a formal paid parental leave policy. My husband was able to spend the entire month of August home with us. He was able to entertain the older kids, clean, make meals, change diapers, do feedings, and let me nap. You name it and he did it. And though having a newborn and two 3 year olds is no walk in the park, I can honestly say it was a wonderful month together. And it made the world of difference to my mental health.
The Reality:
I realize how “lucky” I am for my husband to have this option, but this shouldn’t be luck. Three years ago when my twins were born, paid leave for fathers was practically unheard of in my social circle. Most fathers I knew at the time took a week of vacation time as their “parental leave.” Even if offered the option of paid paternity leave, many men I knew did not take it fearing professional repercussions. Fortunately, I think this stigma around paternity leave is beginning to change. Personally I have noticed that more of my friends’ partners are able to take more significant parental leave due to progressive company policies (and they are actually taking it).
But let’s face it, many of us in this community live a relatively privileged life compared to others in our country. I certainly do. The reality is that the majority of fathers in the United States have zero access to paternity leave, let alone paid leave. In fact, our country is the only developed nation in the world that does not legally require any type of paid leave (for either parent). Frankly, it’s completely ridiculous.
Paid equal family leave is crucial for our mental health as parents. For new parents, experienced parents, and those in between. My personal experience has only solidified this for me. My hope is that in the future, it will be a right for all.
