Motherhood often requires a great sense of humor. And if you can’t find a way to laugh, you just might cry. Or eat a pint of ice cream, and nobody wants to do that for the wrong reasons. Save that for election results and the night a girlfriend really needs you to join her in her stress eating. There’s plenty of time for that.
So today, I really just want to give you a moment to laugh. And most of all, I want to give you a moment to laugh AT someone else.
And that someone is me.
So if you’re feeling down on yourself as a mom, I want you to remember what I’m about to tell you. And I hope that what you read here makes you laugh, and feel better about your mommying. Remember to give yourself a break.
I have to do it every single day. So here in no particular order are some of the highlights that I hope can make you feel better, because I did these things, or they happened to me, and not to you.
1. I lost a 2 year old. He left my inlaws’ house, crossed the street. Then he entered a store and employees took him in and got him some water before I even knew he was gone. That store was Terrain. In Westport. I lost my kid to a high end garden/home accessories store with a killer coffee bar and brunch.
2. It took me ELEVEN months to potty train my twin boys. I am quite sure that has to hold some kind of record. So if you feel frustrated when your little angel is still having accidents on day five, remember me, and how many pairs of undies I threw out from not one but TWO boys who just refused to get it.
3. I ran out of bread. Yesterday I made the boys sandwiches using hamburger buns. Boy number one took a bite and then said, “Why is it blue on the bottom?” MOLD. I smacked it out of his hands and threw it (and the rest of the package) away, and then remembered that the hubs mentioned they were moldy. So WHY did he put them back in the bread box and not the garbage? Actually this one I have to blame on him rather than me.
4. I refuse to take my kids to Disney World. This is for no other reason than I don’t want to go. I DO NOT want to take four kids to a park and spend ten thousand or more of my dollars on that. No way! I just don’t. I’m not even sorry.
5. My almost 8 year old twin girls do not know what an American Girl doll is. I swear to you if you tell them I will get you in your sleep and I will make sure it hurts.
6. I often tell my kids stories about what it was like to be a kid way back in the 70’s for no other reason than to try to get them to feel sorry for me. It seems like it works a lot of the time you guys.
7. Strangers will regularly say to me, “Are they all YOURS?” with this accusatory tone. Like I don’t know that I am contributing to the over population of the Earth. Like I don’t understand that having this many kids under the age of 8 ( four of them) makes me look like some kind of lunatic that is trying to build her own small army of tyrannical misfits. I have yet to come up with the adequate return burn for these situations. As a result, I’m asking for your help you guys. Help me find the perfect retort.
So there it is. Some random stuff that I hope made you smile and realize that you are mommying so hard and so great and with so much style.
And so much better than me.