Is it Wrong to Feel DONE!?

Have you ever gone through a period where it seems like everyone in your circle is getting pregnant? I don’t typically feel pregnancy FOMO, but my family is at a stage where I’m really pausing to evaluate what’s right.

Four years ago, my husband and I turned to IVF due to “unexplained infertility.” Basically, the doctors meant to say, “We don’t know why you’re not getting pregnant, so give us lots of money to help you get there.” The decision to seek help was worth every penny as it gave us our boy/girl twins, who are about to turn 4. Another blessing (or curse, depending on how you look at it) is it that it gave us two extra healthy embryos.

If you had asked me during the twins’ first year whether we planned on expanding our family, I would have emphatically said “YES!” (Hello post-partum hormones!). Once our twin babies turned into twin toddlers, however, my “Yes” started morphing into a “Well, maybe” and finally into a “Heck No!” Once again, the thought of having to be pregnant, give birth, change diapers, and the like makes me break out into a sweat!

We are just gaining back our independence and planning for our first big family vacation. Our twins can get themselves dressed (on a good day), wipe their own butts, and clean up their toys. They are little people now and we are just coming out of the woods. Let me be clear….they are also a ton of work for the very same reasons! They talk back, they act up, and oh dear lord, they FIGHT. How would a baby fit into the equation? I don’t know and would frankly be terrified to find out!

On another note, my husband and I are not young! At 41 and 38 we are pushing the boundaries of what’s possible. I know that the term “geriatric pregnancy” was coined by a doctor to scare women into action, but what would a pregnancy look like at my age? Would I be able to chase around a toddler at 40?

I have heard, “Boy/girl twins, you’ve hit the jackpot!” or “Lucky you! One and done!” more times than I can count! I have to say that I agree with them most of the time. Lately, everyone I know has been getting pregnant with baby number three. Three seems to be the magic number in our town and with each third pregnancy announcement I take a pause.

Is it wrong that all this soul searching leads me to feel DONE!?….to feel a visceral feeling in my gut that I don’t want to go back to square one and start all over again? I know the correct answer is “no,” family size is a very personal choice, so why do I feel guilty closing that door? I have always wanted to give my children a few siblings. I come from a small family and always wished I’d had a sister. Closing the door on that dream for my daughter is a tough pill to swallow. Then there are the embryos. Our choices are destroy, donate, or use. None of those options feel right to us, so we continue to pay the storage bills. My husband and I think of it as a very expensive insurance policy!

At the end of the day, we feel like we have another few years to fully decide on baby number 3. With each passing day, however, the window is getting smaller. If you were to force me to decide today, I’d confidently say that we’re done. Our family feels pretty darn complete! Ask me again on my 40th birthday for my final answer.