I’ll Have a Blue Christmas

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You’ll be doin all right, with your Christmas of white,

But I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas ~ Elvis Presley

blue Christmas

I love Christmas, don’t get me wrong. I have a lot of fun with my kids now that they are old enough to really get into the holiday spirit. Yet, there’s a big part of me that feels like Elvis.

For me, it’s not about the holiday expenses or splitting the time between families. My blue Christmas is related to missing those who have left too soon and aren’t here to celebrate with us. My dad passed when I was 10 years old, and this will be the 30th Christmas without him. It honestly never gets easier.

My last Christmas with my dad was marred with him being sick with cancer, and my mom, age 35 with two kids, 5 and 9, trying to keep it all together. I don’t remember much because it’s too hard to access those memories. We didn’t take pictures back then the way we do know, so sadly I don’t even have those to reference. (That’s part of the reason why I’m so picture-happy with my kids and post them for everyone to see).

For several years, when I lived alone, I had no Christmas tree or decorations in my home. I used the excuse that my birthday is two days before Christmas, and I was compensating for that. When I turned 25, I skipped Christmas completely and went to Florida with a friend. “Quarter-life Crisis” was the escape. Now I do the holiday big with elaborate holiday cards and our tree goes up the weekend after Thanksgiving until the weekend after the Epiphany. Maybe one day I’ll be able to strike a happy balance.

No matter how old you get, those memories made during your younger years stick with you for life, and forever change you. As a mom who spent her undergrad studying psychology, it’s no surprise to me why I sometimes overdo the season and yet still experience grief. My sons will never have the opportunity to share a Christmas season with my dad, nor will they ever see my mom or me 100% happy during the holidays. I hope for them they never have a blue Christmas and only enjoy “Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree.”

If you encounter someone this season who at times seems to be going through the motions, before you call them a Scrooge, I ask you to take a minute to remember this message. While it’s the season of giving, for some of us, it’s a season of grieving. We will always be grateful for the times we shared with loved ones. This season pulls at all the emotions; try to make space for them because some are too big to handle.

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Maria Sette
Maria is a full-time mom, teacher, wife, daughter, and sister, who feels pulled in too many directions! Her older son Michael took over 24 hours to be born, and at six-months-old was diagnosed with allergies to dairy, eggs, nuts, soy, shrimp, and wheat…all after exclusively nursing because she was SO SURE that would help him be a healthy kid. Luckily at age 1, he began to outgrow some of his allergies. Fingers crossed the others will soon follow because that plus a husband who doesn’t eat any veggies and Maria always battling her weight makes for three meals to prepare every night. Luckily, Christopher, her younger son, is a cooperative eater! As someone who has always been committed to making positive change, Maria uses her privilege and position as an educator and mom to work toward a most anti-racisit, equitibile, and inclusive world. Recently, Maria has even started getting up at 5am to workout in her basement. (Thank you pandemic living!) She is addicted to reading chicklit on her Kindle app in the dark, most Trader Joe’s products, and watching TikToks.

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