Confessions :: Addiction

My husband and I had a few days off together this past week. As I sat drinking my coffee with him, I told him that I drank too much and that I was scared and needed his help.

No one tells you how scary this can be.

Without too much detail, I have a history of addiction to all sorts of fun things: Chocolate, coffee, sugar, shopping, shoes, cigarettes, wine, food, cheese, sleeping, etc.

I am most scared about my addiction to alcohol. I can go from sober to drunk in less than 5 minutes. I have never purchased a bottle of wine that I have not seen the bottom of. I do not need a wine rack because if I fill it up, I drink all the contents that night. No, I’m not joking.

I usually spend nights after a bottle of wine thinking about what I did, what I said, who I offended. Most times, it’s about 3-4 a.m., and I lay in my bed crying and frantically trying to piece together my night. Or how I got to bed. Or if my husband is mad at me. Or if he even loves me anymore.

I can say that my drinking may have caused me to lose friends. It might have helped me lose my last job and get me a really bad rating on the one before it. It may help end this marriage.

And just before that first drink, I just don’t care what kind of damage it will cause. I just want it so bad that I cannot think of anything else.

No one tells you what rock bottom feels like when you don’t think you have a problem. I haven’t lost my house, my car or my kids yet. I know a bender is about to happen. A moms’ night out is an excuse to get drunk. A friend in need is an excuse for a bottle of wine. A co-worker’s departure is a wasted teary, “I always loved you” adventure. My close friends know that when they invite me over, I will need a place to pass out, and will be out for a couple hours. My husband, my loving, gracious, amazing husband, says nothing.

He said he really didn’t know. (How could he not – I am so unlovable).

To me, it looks painfully obvious. I don’t do anything around the house. I drink anywhere I can. I invite friends and family for dinners here and provide the beverages. I have horrible hangovers and have a very short fuse. I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE KIDS TO GET TO BED to have that first drink. That calming, warm fingers sliding down the back of my neck, warming me up like a fuzzy blanket from the inside out. Making me feel prettier. More confident. Powerful. Argumentative. Righteous. And then the bottle is empty.

There is always: this is the last glass. I will not finish it tonight. I need to have self-control. And there is always: I’m sorry honey. I didn’t know I was so tired and passed out. I love you. Did I finish that?

It was the same with cigarettes. And clothes. And shoes. And food. It doesn’t matter what I use as a plug to fill the hole of “not enough.” It’s all the same.

It’s a journey. I have no answers. I’m currently not drinking. During the day. Or at home at night. And I volunteer to drive when I do go out. Because then I have to keep it in check.

But holy Mary Mother of God, this is so hard.

I write this because I know others can relate. I want this life I created. I am looking to get the tools that will help build the foundation stronger for my marriage and family instead of tearing it down. So today, I am writing this sober and putting my addiction in check. I don’t want to be the “sober” person. I want to be someone who can handle it. But for today, sober.

How many of you can relate? I’m not looking for a show of hands, but the quiet nod of reflection that this may be… true for you too…