The Time I Spent Getting There

5
The Barn in better times.
The barn in better times.

Intro (The Barn Doors)

The Great Danbury Fair was an agricultural fair that began in Danbury in 1869 and ran yearly until 1981. The Danbury Fair Mall was built on the grounds in 1986 and named in honor of it. The barn on our property was originally a part of the Great Danbury Fair. During Hurricane Sandy, the doors were ripped off their hinges. I was pregnant with Luna at the time.

Three months after giving birth to my daughter, I felt like the world around me was at a standstill while Luna and I learned to exist together. Being the one to stay home with Luna for the first 12 weeks while my husband worked full time and taught a summer writing course that went well into the evening three days a week was tough. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I returned to work on July 8th, Luna’s three-month birthday, and the time I spent getting there was life-changing.

April (Month 1)

I spent April mourning the loss of my pregnancy. The little being that I had nourished and carried around for 38 weeks and five days that I had come to know could feel every hiccup, every sleep cycle, had been taken out of my body (after 20 hours worth of contractions) with little warning.

Now, existing as separate bodies, we had to reconnect, a difficult task with her in the NICU, hooked up to machines, monitors, and IVs. The postoperative pain from a cesarean section didn’t help.

After one week of living in the NICU, we came home. The realization finally kicked in that we were completely responsible for her. There were many moments when I would go to the bathroom or grab a snack, and upon reentering the room, think, “Whose child is this?”

We were flooded with calls, texts, emails, and social media postings from friends and family. After the first month, the rate of interruptions would decrease. It was quite overwhelming to keep up with it, but all of the joy and well wishes were a nice distraction to just how tough it was, how much pain I was in, and how hard it was to accept the fact that I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I wasn’t sleeping much, and I was physically dependent on my partner. I asked him for help with basic tasks, from getting a glass of water to picking the baby up. No book, class, friend, or midwifery career could have prepared me for this.

19 Days Postpartum
19 Days Postpartum

May (Month 2)

We hit the two-month anniversary of Luna’s birth in what felt like the blink of an eye. It was like driving somewhere and, upon arriving, unable to remember the roads you had taken to get there. Birthdays came and went, friends had babies, spring turned to summer, and we were still in our little cocoon. I was learning how to be a mother and sustain the life of this little creature while trying to stay sane.

The good news is that it got easier. Luna fussed less, and the cluster feedings turned into bigger meals that sustained her for longer. Or maybe they didn’t. Perhaps I just adapted to handling it figured out how to get some household chores and errands done. When you’re the type of person who worked a 24-hour shift four days before giving birth, things have to get done for you to feel right.

My body adapted itself to running on 4-5 hours of sleep. The postoperative pain subsided. Nursing Luna was now a pleasure instead of a dreaded event.

June (Month 3)

By the third month, Luna and I had developed a routine. Her growth and development were obvious, and she was becoming more interactive. I joined a Moms Group, the single best postpartum decision I had made up to this point. The support and camaraderie I gained from the group made all the New Mom Problems commonplace. Going to a group helped my family and transition to motherhood so much easier.

What it couldn’t help with, though, was the fact that my maternity leave was coming to an end. Crying daily about it made me feel worse, but it was all I could think about. I talked to Luna about it every day, an act that was more for me than it was for her.

Mama's Note
Mama’s Note

July (The End/The Beginning)

The long Fourth of July weekend served as an amazing distraction during the final days before returning to work. Being around friends and family going out on The Lake was my coping mechanism for dealing with impending separation from Luna for the first time since she was born. I cried the entire day intermittently on July 7th. I had written, “Luna Notes” in a yellow spiral notebook for my mother-in-law, who would be staying at our home with Luna for that first week. Although I had a more than sufficient amount of milk stashed in my freezer, I worried there wasn’t enough.

Monday morning, July 8th, I woke before my alarm clock, adrenaline surely assisting me, and I was ready in record time. I fed Luna, put her back to sleep, and then pumped. To avoid any emotional breakdowns, I wrote Luna a note, explaining that she would have a great time with her Grandma Jodes, that I would be home later for romping and snuggling, and how much I loved her. With my pump and large iced coffee in hand, I said goodbye to my already awake mother-in-law, and I slipped out the door with tears in my eyes. My husband and Luna were still asleep.

One traffic-less commute, and I was at work. The band-aid was off. Surprisingly, it felt great. I was back doing what I love: taking care of women during one of the most important times of their lives, a time that I had just gone through.

I’ve been back at work for three weeks now, and while I miss Luna every second that I’m there, the women I help need me too. I’m confident that Luna will understand that one day. Hopefully, she will be proud of the work that I do.

Postscript (Stanzi’s)  

Three days before Luna Dill’s arrival, my husband and I went on a date to Stanziato’s in Danbury, an outstanding pizza place. My husband and I are Bronx natives, and it’s our favorite pizza.

I distinctly remember a conversation we had, a pep talk of sorts, during which we tried to break down the challenge ahead. At one point, we said, “How hard could it be taking care of one baby?”

So how hard has it been?

Remember our barn? The one from the Great Danbury Fair?

Nine months after Hurricane Sandy, the large wood doors are still off their hinges. One is lying in the grass. My husband has to drive the tractor around it every week when he cuts the grass.

5 COMMENTS

  1. I loved this, Danielle! It does go by too fast, doesn’t it?! We also love Stanziato’s. Tough to get there now, but they open for dinner at 4:00 on Saturdays. We went for a late lunch/early dinner right when they opened with no wait and were home again without pushing Al’s bedtime. It was great. 🙂

  2. I truly enjoyed every word of this. I love your writing style, your honesty, your ability to remember details of a time that (at least for me) must have been a huge whirlwind. You brought me back to my first few months with Jordan and the pre-baby “how hard could it be” ignorance despite being completely over informed via books and Internet research about how to keep a baby alive and well. It IS harder than anyone who has never done it before could ever possibly imagine! The prolonged lack of sleep alone is enough to drive a person mad. And here we are, one year later, one year stronger, those insane moments just memories, and so thankful for reading posts like yours that help me remember that those moments really did happen. By the way, Luna is the most beautiful baby girl…well done, Straccis!

  3. My girl is about to turn 7, but I still remember the first 3 months like it was yesterday. Your description is so accurate. Being an emergency c-section after 14 hrs of labor myself, I remember that pain once I was home. I remember having to depend on my husband for the smallest of tasks – getting me out of bed, driving me everywhere, helping me get dressed. I remember the lack of sleep, the reality of no longer being pregnant, all of it.

    Thank you for sharing with us. Even to this day, it’s hard for me to realize that other women have gone through something so similar. It helps even all these years later.

    The women you help are truly lucky to have you. And so is Luna. And she will understand.

  4. Such an accurate picture of the beginning. I also mourned the loss of my pregnancy. I think it was magnified by the cesarean. I felt I lost the ‘finale’ of a vaginal birth. Wonderful piece Danielle!

  5. Hi Danielle, Nicole forwarded this to me and I’m so glad she did. My sweet girl is 3 months now, I go back to work in the middle of October and am already dreading it. Not because I don’t like being a nurse (in fact, I love it), but because I can’t imagine having to leave Ida. What you’ve said is reassuring and hopeful for myself, so thank you! Its nice to hear these types of things from other new moms and knowing we are not alone. I know I (we) will survive, just have to get over that hump 🙂 Thank you!

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