According to Daniel Tiger, saying I’m sorry is the first step. Teaching our kids to apologize for what they’ve done wrong is important for them to learn empathy, compassion, and forgiveness. But what about saying you’re sorry for nothing? Nothing at all. As adults – mostly women, so many of us guilty of over-apologizing for things we are not sorry for. Why? Let’s discuss.
There are two different kinds of apology offenders:
1. The passive-aggressive approach.
I’ll be the first to say that I used to be (haha) a champ at the “I’m sorry but…” retort to an idea that I am SO not sorry for. Is it better to be outright honest, ie. “You’re idea is really bad,” or is “I’m sorry, but I think maybe you should go in a different direction” better?
Psychologically the latter sounds sympathetic, but who are we kidding? It’s just a passive-aggressive way of telling someone that their idea is bad. Does it really make anyone feel better? Is it enough to change anything that may need to be fixed? I’m of the school of true honesty. Will a passive-aggressive response help a friend not walk out of the house in an unflattering outfit or a coworker not present a project that needs some work? Don’t be sorry (a real sorry) that you traded honesty for the soft comfort of not hurting someone’s feelings. Use some tact and find a happy medium. It can be done. There is no need for over-apologizing.
2. The serial apologizer (the most common).
I have two very good friends that apologize for everything. EVERYTHING. Every. Thing. It’s raining. One of them is sorry. My laundry isn’t done. The other is sorry. I appreciate the sentiment, but unless they pushed the rain out of the clouds or caused me to sleep in that last 30 minutes so that I didn’t get that first load into the washer, neither has anything actually to be sorry for. Are they sympathetic? Highly likely, but not even SORRY.
Amy Schumer posted an awesome skit about women apologizing too much. Notice that none of the men utter a word of regret with a mistake. The women apologize to THEM instead. It’s a SORRY fest, and the women look weak and unprofessional in the end.
How to be a reformed apologizer: In an article that spawned this post, the author suggests counting how many times you apologize in a day to change the way you phrase your communication. You’ll probably be shocked, but you will be more aware of your words. Be aware of what is and isn’t in your control and respond accordingly. If it’s a matter of coming off as too aggressive or annoying, consider getting the best results without saying the S word. The change lies in you.
Remember, the next time the waiter brings your onion-less burger dripping in onions, flag him down and tell him that your order was wrong. DO NOT start with “I’m sorry.” You didn’t do anything. He probably didn’t do it either, but it is his job to make sure your order is correct when it comes from the kitchen. Of course, you don’t want to end up with spit in the burger, so you’ll need to be the judge of your own request, but DO NOT apologize for someone else’s mistake.
You can do it!
