Mothering Without Fear: Letting Go of the Past

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Growing up in a single-parent household was always no big deal. My father made some poor choices in his life that led him to abandon us without reason or warning. I had always heard the term “daddy issues,” but the term meant nothing to me. I was a strong, independent woman who didn’t believe that my father’s abandonment had any real effect on me. That was, of course, until I became a mother myself.  

Those first few months of motherhood I found myself almost paralyzed with fear that my husband (an amazing father, by the way) would leave my daughter in the same circumstances. I began flashing back to all the disappointment I had experienced over the years and panic rose within me that my daughter might suffer the same.

Mothering is Hard

Once my daughter was born, all those memories of things I had been cheated out of, came rushing back. I began searching through the Rolodex of experiences that my daughter would miss out on, should she have lost her own father. I got angry. The anger wasn’t for myself, but for the man who would or could do this to their own child. I looked at my daughter sleeping and imagined spending my whole life trying to shield her from the heartbreak she would have to endure if she had to grow up the way I had. The thought was too much for me to bear. It was a burden I carried needlessly, but it was there. 

Each time she cried too long or too loudly I began to wonder if it would drive her father away. As my husband sat peacefully on the couch (and for the most part, seemingly deaf) I began to think about my worries and expectations. I had suddenly taken the sins of my father and placed them squarely on my husband’s shoulders. Anyone who knew my husband would know that he would be incapable of inflicting such an offense. I had grown up in a world where people vanished without explanation, cause, or apology. It was easy for me to imagine my husband doing the same.

After many months had gone by, I began to think about the absence of my father and the way it had impacted my perspective. I made a vow that I would never let the pain of the past infringe upon the joy I felt in the present. I would like to say it was easy, but it was not. Those first months of motherhood were riddled with the usual panic and worry, but mine came from a different place. It was a place I had never wished to revisit. A place so filled with fear that it often seemed bottomless.

As I make my way through this thing called motherhood, I can now recall the ways in which my father’s abandonment has changed the way I parent. I hold on to the hugs a little tighter, I thank God so much more often, and sometimes I doubt. I realized that there is no way to prevent the actions of others. There is no way to shield my daughter from all the hurt in the world. But maybe, just maybe, I can let her know that there is no one more fierce or relentless in seeking her protection than I. I hang on to the notion that this will be enough.

1 COMMENT

  1. You got me with this one, Keira. I can relate a ton, as my story is very similar. Letting go of that pain yet learning from it is the best thing you can do for your family. Thanks for the reminder!

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